Driving in a college city on weekend nights allows me to encounter all types of different people, but after around 10 pm, they’re mostly drunk. That’s why I’m looking into the rules about live-streaming my weekend nights on my Facebook page so you can come along for the fun and possible crazy adventures with me!
The one thing about drunk passengers is that they’re almost predictable in an unpredictable way. You have a few different types of people who will get in your car so I will run through a list of them here.
Surprisingly, out of all the time I’ve spent driving, I’ve had zero people hit on me – drunk or sober. Not that I’m complaining because it’s painfully uncomfortable when it happens to people, and it’s even worse when it happens to female drivers. Unfortunately for them, they’re far more likely to be hit on than male counterparts.
Being part of Uber groups, I see at least one person per weekend say how a passenger was aggressively hitting on them to the point where they were actually ready to call 911 on the person. A large majority of the time, the drunk passenger takes a swing, strikes out, then accepts defeat and continues on with their night. Every so often, a passenger will remain in the car longer than he (or she) should and keeps hounding the driver which is just a terrible move. If you’re an Uber passenger, I get that you’re going to take a shot with the driver if she (or he) is hot but once she (or he) rejects you – which will happen around 99% of the time – move on.
The Person Who Strongly Needs Anger Management
This is another drunk passenger that I’ve yet to encounter, but they’re out there and ready to take out their night’s rage on the driver!
I’ve never quite understood this type of person as even when I did drink, I was never the angry one ready to fight the world, but I know they’re out there because a large chunk of people I knew acted that way. You can skim Youtube and find countless videos of the drunk angry passenger ripping into an Uber driver, but this one is a classic:
I’m sure I’ll encounter one of these people soon enough, but until that point, I will gladly just watch from the outside.
Your New Best Friend
Now, this is one that happens to me a lot. A lot, a lot. Especially when the person gets in the passenger seat. There comes this weird combo of alcohol and sitting in the front seat of a car where the person suddenly thinks you two are childhood friends who haven’t spoken in years but want to reconnect. They will ask about my night, then my current life, my goals in life (kind of insulting, but whatever), and sometimes even go back into my childhood.
I don’t know about other drivers, but I usually don’t mind this interaction. It gets a bit annoying when there are a group of new best friends in your car peppering you with questions, but if it’s just 1-2 people, it is usually an enjoyable ride because you also get to learn a lot about the passenger as well. Hopefully, when I do have my anger management patient, my new best friends will also be in the car to help me out!
The Bodily Fluid Ejector
Whenever you go driving on a holiday like New Year’s Eve, you pretty much expect to run into one of these passengers. You hope you don’t, but understand that chances are fairly high that you could. This is the person who decides to treat your car like their personal toilet and let all the drinks from the night come out from the top or bottom.
One of the biggest questions I’ve received is “have you had any pukers, yet?” and luckily the answer to that is “no”, but one thing they never ask is if someone pissed on the seats. The answer to that is also no, but that happens a lot more than people like to realize as puking isn’t the only bodily fluid they like to eject during a ride. In fact, this image is one I grabbed from an Uber group where a guy pissed himself in the back seat of her car.
There is also a third fluid that comes out of men which I am also lucky to not have experienced, but that is a much more rare event than puking or pissing. Probably because it’s a crime, so even drunk people are mostly smart enough to not whip your junk out and start going to town in the back of a stranger’s car.
The Closeted Bigot
I’m not sure what it is about me, but there is another common drunk that I run into and that is the closeted bigot. This is the person who sees me and decides to open up about the things he or she has been letting build up inside them during the sober periods. The stuff they certainly can’t say at work – or pretty much anywhere there are other people around.
This is typically the time when I keep my mouth shut and just let them rant. This is because they end up getting themselves worked up and I know if I try to debate a point with them, they are quickly going to turn into the anger management patient and I don’t want to deal with that. Without any confrontation, the topic usually dies down fairly quickly when even in a drunk state, the person realizes they’re showing just how racist or homophobic they are to a stranger.
It does get worse when there are multiple drunk people who are ranting to each other because they egg each other on and these conversations can go on for a bit – all while one of them gives me a fake apology for having me hear the stuff they’re saying. Whatever.
The Pop Star
All drivers get around one of these people a night on the weekends. The passenger who turns into Selena Gomez in your car when their “jam” comes on. Compared to the rest of the drunk categories, this is one of the easier people to deal with as they’re just trying to have a good time and mean no harm – except for my ears.
The inner pop star can come out even with sober people, but it’s almost a guarantee at one point in a ride if someone is drunk.
If you’re a passenger who loves to sing in the car, you keep doing you! When you’re driving around strangers all night, most who try their hardest to ignore you, it’s sometimes refreshing to see a group of happy people singing along to the music in your car.
I debated on having this category or not because it’s often the prelude to the bodily fluid ejector, and if it’s not, you spend the entire time worrying that it is going to happen. There have been two people who fell asleep in my car, and obviously both survived the ride without any pukes, but one appeared dangerously close before she passed out and the other woke up and stole my chargers in the back seat because he was so disoriented and didn’t realize they weren’t his (I know this because I have a camera in the car and I watched it when I noticed my chargers were missing. The guy clearly had no clue what he was doing when he grabbed the chargers before leaving).
Sleepers are one of the more overrated groups of people because you pretty much expect they’re going to be an easy trip but they end up causing some of the most trouble. Drivers have to worry about them pissing or puking themselves, being completely disoriented when they wake up, or in some cases, not waking up at all (no, they’re not dead you morbid bastard. Just impossible to wake up).
Overall, dealing with drunk people sounds far worse than it actually is. A huge portion of the time rides go without incident and can even be fun depending on the person. Despite all the potential for negative situations happening, I’d still rather deal with drunk people than deal with the Express Pool.